Sometimes things don’t go according to plan and we must seek out the silver lining to stay afloat. Other times, we need to allow the tide tot take us under, for just a little while. There’s value in surrendering to the struggle, trusting that we will emerge again. A bit battered and bruised, but still in one piece.
Whether the universe is conspiring against me, or Mercury is in retrograde, this week has been a doozy. But the more I tried to clench my fist and regain control, the more out of control things became. Between my dog’s unexpected hip injury and my brother’s surprising vulnerability over the phone, my emotions feel frayed.
A previous version of myself would do everything I could to gain control of some other aspect of my life to compensate for this sense of overwhelm, which usually meant overcompensating with rigidity. Rearrange all the furniture in one room. Clean the ledge of all the trim in the hallway. Attempt to control my loved ones behavior (and emotions) under the guise that “I know best.” This kind of reaction has mixed results, at best. But if I’m being honest, its mostly a broken system.
So as I felt myself moved to tears by the slightest off-beat remark from my husband, and noticed I was heading to bed hours early, I realized that maybe the problem wasn’t the chaos around me. Maybe the problem was me trying to put that chaos in order. Instead of trying to contain, organize, clean, or control myself into balance, maybe I needed to let go of the reins and allow myself to be carried away by the chaos.
I’m not suggesting that I ought to allow drama and anxiety to unfold with reckless abandon. Rather, I’m trying to recognize that life ebbs and flows – that nothing lasts forever – and that I’m stronger than my struggles. Sometimes strength looks like digging in our heels and refusing to move aside. But more often than not, grace and flexibility offer us what we’re seeking. Peace.
Writing has been a struggle for nearly a month now. In part because I feel like I’m in the midst of a radical transformation. But it also has to do with the idea of resistance and force, which if I’m being honest, is really just childish stubbornness. There’s something soothing about life when our routines and our output are consistent. Plenty of gurus on the Internet tout systems that provide us structure to “ensure” this type of system. But if we have to put forth more effort in maintaining those systems than what we get from establishing them, maybe we ought to consider whether they’re doing us the good we thought they would.
Chaos is my reality at the moment. My son is back in distance learning due to a COVID case in his classroom, and while my pup is moving around more easily, the weekly runs for her injections add more to my already full schedule. The inner shifts occurring, without my permission by the way, are humming in the background, and the Northwest weather has everything covered in wet dusty sand. Life can feel oppressive sometimes, and sometimes it’s best just to allow it to wash over us without struggling to stand up. After all, horizontal is one of my favorite ways of being.
Until next time, I hope that you are able to find some flexibility and ease to move through whatever struggles or challenges come your way. It’s not a sign of weakness. The mere fact that it’s so hard for us to let go of control is evidence that surrender is a sign of strength. A kind of strength that reaches far deeper than any toned muscle or resolve to push through. Allow yourself to be that kind of strong and see what you can accomplish.
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