There’s not a caring parent out there who doesn’t want their children to grow into happy, resilient, self-sufficient adults. How we each go about trying to get to that place can be compared to a mountain. For every mountain with a peak, there are several routes to the top. Each is distinct, with its own merits and downfalls, but they all eventually find their way to the top.
As much as we are capable, parents typically choose a path they feel suits them best. It could be the same path their parents took or a path on the opposite side of the mountain. But more often than not, we parents take the path our children need us to take.
As it turns out, being a parent is less about leading or guiding and more about following and catching.
My mom used to bemoan my teenage angst, annoyed that I hadn’t taken her advice to heart. Exasperated by my latest drama, she’d throw up her hands and shout, “Learn from my mistakes!” At the time, it felt like she was just being spiteful, limiting my own experience for her convenience. But as a parent myself, I better understand her desire to shield me from pain.
As a parent, whatever struggles my children go through, I feel their hurt in my bones.
Still, I stand by my desire to have my own experience. While I empathize with her desire to steer me away from suffering, our relationship may have been less contentious had she helped dust me off when I fell instead of trying to prevent me from suffering at all. I love my mom, but she was far from perfect. I understand that better now too. For the thousands of things she got right, there were a handful of things she failed at. Me too.
As my children continue to march toward adulthood, I’ll do my best to forge my own path – one foot along my parents’ path and one in uncharted territory. I’m sure to get more than a handful of things wrong, and my boys will need therapy to discuss how I’ve hurt them. But if there’s anything I’ve learned from being a parent myself, it’s that mistakes will happen.
What’s more important than trying to prevent or avoid them is to help pick up the pieces afterward – to be willing to apologize and make amends.
There’s a great deal about parenting that I haven’t figured out, but this I know for sure: saying I’m sorry to our children is more profound than we parents always like to acknowledge. It won’t make our mistakes disappear or heal all the wounds we’ve cause. But it will teach our children how to love real people, with all their flaws and imperfections, while also recognizing that their experiences – the hurt and the joy they felt – are genuine and valuable. Because at the end of the day, what we really want our children to know is that they matter.
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