Failure has become our current-day lion, charging at top speed, eager to feast on our bones. It’s as if we can sense it hunting us, lurking behind any risk, large or small, prepared to pounce and render us catatonic, when in truth, failure is primarily a matter of discomfort and the gateway to growth.
But I’m not here to talk to you about failure. In fact, I’m here to talk to you about the exact opposite. I’m here to talk to you about what we often call “milestones.” Poignant events in a life that definitively lay down a boundary between what was and what will be. Milestones can be as monumental as getting married or as simple as learning to walk. But what they all have in common is our desire to acknowledge their importance in life.
As I sat down to type out the notes of this essay, it dawned on me that, while milestones like graduation, getting my drivers license, or falling in love have been poignant in my life, none of them taught me as much as the milestones I’d rather forget about—the ones in which there was great suffering, arduous work, and yes, failure.
The truth is, when we succeed, there are fewer growth opportunities.
After all, whatever we did, worked! We don’t need to pursue alternatives. As a species that thrives on growth and knowledge gained, we know intuitively that discomfort, failure, and other undesirable milestones are vital to propel us forward. That’s why those experiences stay with us. We crave growth, even when it’s a struggle.
As a little girl, I shoplifted (more than once), but it wasn’t until I was in college that my impulsive need for “new shiny things” came to a head, and I did something about it. When I was a teenager, my desire to “fix” people pulled me in the direction of abusive relationships – both romantic and platonic. Still, it wasn’t until I lived in a house with nine powerful, strong women that I began to break my habit. And as an adult, it wasn’t until we were navigating the most difficult moments of our marriage that I came to understand better what it means to love and be loved completely.
The truth is, these painful moments in life were more poignant milestones than any celebration. In each scenario, a switch flipped on in my mind, and instead of operating in the same way I had, I chose differently, and because of that decision, my life moved forward in a different trajectory. It could have been said that I’d failed in each of these situations, and that wouldn’t be entirely wrong. But because I failed, a doorway to another way of being in the world opened up – a way that was neither better nor worse but was evolution in its most basic form.
“We learn wisdom from failure much more than from success. We often discover what will do, by finding out what will not do; and probably he who never made a mistake never made a discovery.”
— Samuel Smiles, 1812-1904
So let’s celebrate all the milestones – the ones that make us blush with shame and the ones that make us smile. It’s not for us to judge whether they are good or bad. Instead, we need to recognize the part they both play in forming who we are. If it weren’t for the suffering, the pain, the struggle, we wouldn’t be the same person. And for all those times we’ve endured and come out the other side stronger, we should celebrate.
The idea of getting a tattoo has often seduced me – to commemorate various milestones in my life. And I would have done it starting at 18 had I been less fearful of needles and permanence. But maybe instead of getting a tattoo, or any other “thing” for that matter, it’s enough to set aside a moment of silence each time we come to the anniversary of particular milestones and to honor that person we used to be, acknowledging the transformation that’s taken place. It may be a small baby step or a giant leap. Regardless, celebrations shouldn’t be reserved for the joyful.
Celebrations should be shared freely and often – for wonderful and challenging experiences.
Don’t wait to get that dream career, or lose those extra pounds, or land that perfect partner before you celebrate. Don’t shove your failures or your moments of embarrassment under the bed. Honor them for the part they played in your growth as a human being, and give them the air time they deserve. Failure, disappointment, embarrassment, discomfort – these are not things we ought to relegate to the darkest corners of our closet. They are the things we ought to thank, for they catapulted us into our next best version of ourselves.
P.S. Thank you so much for reading this milestone post. It’s officially the 100th essay I’ve published here at anongray.com. For those of you who’ve been here since the beginning, and those who’ve only just discovered my site, thank you. It’s because of wonderful readers like you that I continue to choose the chance at failure, embarrassment, and discomfort here in this little corner of the Internet. Until next time, be well.
THIS JUST IN! Now you can listen to this article!
2 Comments
Pingback:
Pingback: