There’s a lot of gibber jabber regarding boundaries these days. Maybe it’s generational. Or perhaps it has something to do with the inner struggles this pandemic has stirred up. Some might suggest that it’s a natural progression of our culture, while others would argue that boundaries have always been a big deal, and I’m the one who has her head in the sand. I can’t say that’s not a possibility.
Up until quite recently, I associated boundaries with selfishness. In my mind, people who maintained boundaries were inconsiderate and lacked generosity. Someone who said “no” without a noteworthy excuse, like invasive surgery, was arrogant and rude. Still, I envied those people.
I’ll be honest. In the past, entertaining the idea of setting a boundary could induce tears and bring about a debilitating stomach ache (and still can from time to time). For each boundary I yearned to form, I saw the face of someone I thought I’d disappoint. My fear of getting dismissed by a loved one or judged by a colleague held me hostage for decades! That is until recently when I re-framed my understanding of boundaries.
To develop healthy boundaries, we must begin with our core values.
Our core values proclaim what we value most in life — to ourselves and the world. It’s the place where all meaning and purpose in our lives originate, and they can act as guiding stars when we feel adrift or overwhelmed.
Boundaries are manifestations of our core values. They show our resolve and attention to our priorities. When we are clear about our values, we no longer question whether our boundaries are in response to a negative experience or affirmation of what we believe. Instead of being agitated and reactive, we feel grounded and relaxed in articulating our boundaries.
Setting boundaries isn’t an act of aggression. It’s an act of self-awareness.
It’s like putting on our own oxygen masks before helping others because we know we’re better equipped to support and connect with others when our needs are met. When we learn what we must do to take care of ourselves, we strengthen our ability to support others and engage compassionately.
Friction is a natural bi-product of any re-calibration in a relationship. When we set a boundary, we’re saying that we’d rather upset someone in the short term, hoping to find a better way of engaging, than feeling so burned out by the relationship that we cannot foresee returning to it in the future. It’s evidence that the relationship is important to us.
The work of maintaining boundaries is a gift to our loved ones.
It was a tremendous surprise to me when I noticed how my family benefited from my new perspective on boundaries. My children have a better sense of what they need and show more confidence in asking for support. Communication with my husband is more open, and we’re both getting more of what we need and want. Our family is more in sync than ever before.
Boundaries are an act of love. They help us engage authentically with vulnerability and unwavering attention. They tell others that we value their time and will do everything we can to show up as our best selves. In every sense of the word, boundaries are a gift.
Setting boundaries is a journey, not a destination.
Let’s face it. I’m not going to get this boundary thing right every time. After all, I’m human! Furthermore, my boundaries will change because I’m constantly evolving. Re-calibration will be an ongoing process. But instead of feeling overwhelmed or daunted by this prospect, I feel encouraged.
Learning how to set and maintain boundaries is like learning how to ride a bike. After nailing down the basics, it doesn’t matter if I’m in Saudi Arabia or Vietnam, the Pacific Northwest, or the Netherlands. I’ll still know how to ride a bike. Sure, it may require some re-calibration, depending upon the terrain and the humidity. But riding a bike is still riding a bike. The scenery may change, but the skills will continue to carry me through any environment I find myself in.
The energy spent developing boundaries based on our core values and maintained with compassion is not only beneficial to ourselves. This process impacts the well-being of everyone we encounter, and when we can muddle through the awkward parts, the messy bits, and the mistakes, we come out the other side more grounded, more joyful, and more at peace with whatever comes our way.
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