Everything we see when we’re in a funk is negative. It doesn’t matter if we’re literally standing in a meadow of bunnies hopping through wildflowers. We’ll see the gnats swirling around our heads and the hot sun beating down on our brows. The truth is that our understanding of reality is filtered through our emotions. How we feel at any given moment determines how we view the world. When our feelings change, so too do our mindsets.
The good news is, as the saying goes, we can have our cake and eat it too. We can experience a wide range of feelings without being controlled by them. That’s not to say that I’m advocating for sterile environments and relationships with robots so that nothing bad ever happens to us. It has more to do with widening our lens and seeing more than what our feelings are honing in on.
“Afflictive emotions – our jealousy, anger, hatred, fear – can be put to an end. When you realize that these emotions are only temporary, that they always pass on like clouds in the sky, you also realize they can ultimately be abandoned.”
— His Holiness The 14th Dalai Lama
The other day, my husband and I got into an argument over something really stupid. He said some things, I said some things, and it just blew up. A full day later, we finally let go of our rigid perspectives and widened our lens. In that space, we both recognized that our argument was primarily a result of stress, overwhelm, and miscommunication.
We all go through periods of overwhelm, and it can be tough to gain perspective. Our capacity to filter out what’s urgent and necessary becomes as effective as a wet blanket at the beach. In this state, it can feel imperative to get our point across or convince the other person that we’re right. But more often than not, after the dust has settled, there’s very little more than hot air for the argument to stand on.
When our emotions dictate our thoughts, speech, and actions, they also determine our worldview! We’ll see frolicking bunnies and swaying wildflowers, but only when our emotional state allows it. At other times, the gnats and scorching sunlight will be all we see. It doesn’t mean the bunnies and wildflowers went away. Our emotional state simply filtered them out.
Emotions are excellent at giving us a glimpse into our internal weather, but they’re inconsistent at best in deciphering what’s going on for others.
“Feel the feelings and drop the story.”
— Pema Chodron
My husband and I will continue to experience miscommunication, especially when stressed. But if we can remember that the bunnies and the flowers are still there, waiting for us to adjust our gaze, we can rest in those moments of discomfort. So much of the time, our frustration is temporal. Negative experiences with others have more to do with our ever-changing emotions and perspective than anything intrinsically related to the individual.
Emotions are an essential and necessary part of life. But giving too much weight to them can cause us to miss out on the goodness right in front of us, and ignoring them does its own kind of damage. Acknowledging our feelings while also understanding that they are fleeting can help us adjust our gaze so that we can see the bunnies and the wildflowers in addition to the gnats and the sun.
