Releasing Control Is More Powerful Than Maintaining It

Relying on our ability to control outcomes doesn’t offer security, ease, or contentment. It breeds uncertainty, frustration, and anger.

I’ll be honest. I struggle to accept the inevitable ebb and flow of life. I crave stability, even if it comes with a faulty understanding of control. I want to feel assured that my creativity, productivity, mood, and relationships will remain constant. But this kind of thinking breeds a false sense of security.

Whether it’s the death of a parent, a global pandemic, or an unplanned snow day, the unexpected bumps in life can throw us off our game. But more uncomfortable than these hiccups, is the futile effort to exert control over everything we experience.

Recently, I watched a YouTube interview with Jason Zook, author of “Own Your Weird.” And while he spoke about being true to ourselves, what struck me most was his discussion of values.

Zook said, “Establish your personal values, so what really matters to you. So for me a lot of times it’s control. So I want to be in control of all my projects in my work…” Yes, Zook was speaking about his work, not his life. Still, I couldn’t help but wonder if control was what he meant. Or if it was freedom he was seeking.

Sometimes we get confused and think that control is the path to freedom, when in fact it’s the opposite.

His statement didn’t sit well with me. I hoped it was because we were so different. But the truth is, it put me on pins and needles because I could relate. Control isn’t a value of mine, but I admittedly have an unconscious bias to try and exert control, often over the very things I can’t control (ahem, like my children).

Don’t hear me wrong. There’s something deeply satisfying about working towards a perfect existence. But it also feels sort of like sticking my head in the sand and choosing ignorance. Accepting that there’s very little we have control over doesn’t make us more miserable. It gives us a deeper sense of freedom.

When I live my life with rigid inflexible thinking, life feels brittle and fragile.

It made me think of Andy Puddicombe from Headspace. He has an animated short in which he discusses quiet confidence. The kind of confidence in which we learn to accept who we are, as we are. Instead of berating ourselves for losing control, we relinquish it freely. We don’t try to force others to see us with an inflated sense of self but are content to arrive as we are. Ironically, it’s this acceptance of reality that brings about lasting happiness.

Releasing control allows tension, anxiety, and our sense of urgency to fall away. What’s left is freedom.

Freedom from the stress of trying to maintain an image of control. Freedom from discontentment. Freedom from the idea that we must have it all together to be happy.

I’ll be the first to admit it. It can feel really good to think we’re in control. That sense of power can be intoxicating. But it’s also unsustainable, exhausting, and potentially toxic. As we tire of our quest for control, we have only one option. We must surrender. In recognizing that our happiness comes from within, the only thing we will desire to control is our ability to surrender control.

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Before you go, I just wanted to say thanks for reading. If you’re passionate about living a meaningful life that you can appreciate right now, you might like some of the other things I’ve written about.

I write here, but I also write over on Medium with publications like Change Becomes You, Illuminations, Be You, and The Writing Cooperative.

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Thanks so much for your support! ~ Anon

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