Every Wednesday, it’s the same. The cashier at Subway pulls out a plastic bag. I say, “No, thank you. I’ve brought my own.” We all have a good chuckle at my expense, and he proceeds to stuff the sandwiches into my reusable shopping bag, quietly muttering, “Ah yes. So good. No plastic.”
Then, holding up an index finger, the universal gesture for “one moment please,” he searches underneath the counter. When he pops back up, he has a large stack of paper napkins in his hand, which he adds to my reusable shopping bag with a grin. “For you.” He says as I swipe my card and leave a tip. “Thank you. See you next Wednesday!”
Before I better understood what was happening, I would ask them to hold the napkins. After all, I had brought my reusable shopping bag, and fabric napkins were waiting for me at home. Living more sustainably was a manifestation of my values – to show compassion for all living things. But after seeing their crestfallen faces when I declined their napkins, I realized something profound:
When we’re shown generosity, regardless of our opinion about what’s being offered, it’s our job to be gracious recipients.
Sometimes being a gracious recipient of a gift you do not want is an act of compassion. The pile of napkins, the extra set of plastic cutlery, even waiting for someone to run around the counter and hold the door; these were not courtesies. They were gifts.
Living abroad for nearly a decade, I’ve encountered hundreds, if not thousands, of individuals who have painful stories to tell. Countless individuals have left their homes searching for some way to support themselves and their families. In the process, they’ve missed poignant moments in their lives – the birth of a child, the death of a parent – all in exchange for a job that offers few rights, no respect, and less pay than was promised, sometimes as early as 14 years old.
When I find myself on the receiving end of a gift from one such individual, I set aside my moral superiority and focus on seeing the person in front of me. It’s not the time to teach a lesson on sustainability. It’s time to show gratitude for their sacrifices and compassion for their situation.
Sometimes it’s more important to be a gracious recipient than to decline a gift of paper napkins.
After all, it’s not just the act of giving that allows us to be generous. I graciously accept the plastic zip ties for the garden hose, even though I prefer more sustainable options. I hold my tongue when my canned goods are double bagged in plastic, even when I’ve brought reusable shopping bags. And I say thank you when my kids are given a complimentary piece of tiramisu, even though it’s already past their bedtime.
To deny someone the opportunity to give what they can is to imply that they have nothing of value to offer us.
My family and I have received countless gifts that we did not need or want. Over time, and after more than one embarrassing moment, I’ve come to understand that being a gracious recipient is often, in and of itself, an act of generosity. It’s a subtle but profound way to honor the humanity in anyone, regardless of their situation in life.
Listen, I’m all for living by our values, and I’m not trying to suggest that we should toss them aside when we’re presented with a challenging situation. But refusing a gift or dolling out judgment and criticism based on those values negates the purpose.
The point of creating and living in alignment with any value has always been about elevating the quality of life – not just for ourselves, but for everyone we encounter. There’s no space for moral elitism in the pursuit of a better life. We have to do better.
In a world where people use values to justify rude and disrespectful behavior or even wage wars, it’s worth asking ourselves what’s more important: values that, when employed, inspire judgment? Or compassion, offered without reservation, to elevate the quality of life for all?
