Find More Time Through Resistance.

I’m with tiny humans all. the. time. They’re there when I cook. They’re there when I clean. They’re there when I sleep. They’re there when I freaking go pee!

I’m with them all. the. time.

Forget about showering uninterrupted. Forget about reading anything for personal enjoyment, and don’t even get me started on my mindfulness practice. My time is no longer my time in any way, shape, or form.

Even when I do notice a moment of quiet and slink away to sit in an empty room (or closet) in hopes of eeking out a moment or two of solitude, it never lasts.

I swear my family members have a sixth sense for detecting moments when my time is not in demand (which apparently also includes moments when I’m sitting on the toilet).

“Mama! Where are you? I need you!”

“Mama! Where’s my snack?”

I’m not proud of it… but sometimes, I don’t answer. Sure, not answering is hardly a revolution, but…

“Mama! All done going potty!”

“Mama. Time to play with me.”

“Mama! What are you doing?

* Sigh *

Sometimes I laugh in these moments because I have to. But not in an endearing or understanding sort of way. No, it’s more like a “mad scientist” sort of way. My boys stare at me with blank faces, nervous to blink, calculating and watching to see if this time I’ll finally crack.

Inevitably, I come to my senses… and life resumes it’s more mundane, yet seemingly relentless pace. And through it all, I continue to say to myself,

This too shall pass… in time… right?!

Don’t get me wrong. I love my kids to pieces, but right now I want to love them from a distance. They say, absence makes the heart grow fonder! I’m ready for the absence part now! …just for a little while.

Ironically, the opposite occurred this week and… we all thrived because of it. You heard me right… because of it. Instead of trying to get away, I brought us closer together.

No. It doesn’t make sense, and no you didn’t read me wrong. This week, I circled the wagons and became even more immersed in the lives of my tiny humans – not out of a desire to be closer, mind you. I’m not trying to be altruistic here.

But instead of trying to eek out a moment to myself by hiding in the closet or bathroom (which wasn’t working anyway) I decided to embrace our togetherness (okay… I surrendered to it) and made a decision to stop waiting for a time to resume my mindfulness practice, and included them in it instead.

Now, at 7AM every morning, you’ll find my tiny humans and me sitting together for 5-10 minutes in silence (yes, only 5-10 minutes because hey, they’re kids). Counting our breaths, and starting our day from a place of calm.

And you know what? As much as I crave alone time, I crave a sense of calm even more, which can even be found while knee to knee with the smallest (and loudest) member of our family. That is, until he has to pee again, or gets bored, or feels hungry… It’s not a perfect system.

Radical self care doesn’t stop with redefining my best. It’s an evolution of ever-deeper surrendering to what I’m most resistant to.

It’s the process of considering what’s at the heart of my desire, and getting underneath the mechanics of creating that feeling every day.

But it wasn’t until I was willing to think “outside the box” about how struggle can lead me to what I want most, that my surprisingly social me-time revealed itself.

Sure, I still dream of a time when I’ll be left in the house alone with my thoughts, and I know there’ll be mornings when our routine is thrown off. But for now, instead of running in the opposite direction of what I think I desire least, I’ll be curious to stick around and see what that resistance reveals to me.

Take care, and know that I’m in your corner, rooting for you. This isn’t an easy time for anyone, but it’s a little easier knowing we’re here together.

---

Love this post?