Stupid life lessons can sure get in my way sometimes.
There are moments that take my breath away, so full of joy and gratitude that I cannot think of a better way to spend my life but by taking a family gap year. There are other moments that make me wonder why we ever considered taking this journey and beg me to question my sanity when I thought a gap year with my family was a “solid plan.” But mostly, the moments we’ve experienced these past few moths fall somewhere in between.
It’s been so long since I’ve experienced a change of seasons that I feel like a kid in a candy shop. Every fall leaf, every water-colored sunrise, every acorn and every rainy day feel like the first time and I can’t help but look out the window at the sky or look down at my feet as I crunch between leaves and conkers.
Do you know the joy I feel ducking out of the rain and walking into a bookshop, to the smell of paper and ink and the sound of squeaking water logged shoes? Heaven is the only way to describe it, and it’s not an experience I’ve had access to the past five years.
In fact, at this very moment, I’m sitting on an island, warm and cozy in my home, cup of tea brewing beside me, as I listen to the rain on fallen leaves. That sound is unique and it settles my frazzled nerves unlike anything else.
Gratitude is all I can feel when I have these moments. Gratitude and groundedness (if that’s a word). As much as I’d like to say that this dance between gratitude and groundedness have been my only experiences, that would be a lie, and there’s already plenty of lies here on the Internet. For every moment of ease, every moment of joy and contentment, there’s been moments of struggle and uncertainty too. A year un-tethered is a year of extremes and that is exactly what we’ve encountered.
As liberating as it is to live day-to-day life without the demands of school and work, freedom is also unbridled responsibility. There’s no one to blame when the rental we’ve chosen sucks. And, there’s no one to “blame” when the restaurant we pick is the most delicious food we’ve ever tasted in our entire lives. It’s a two way street, a double edged sword, two sides of the same coin. With limitless freedom comes limitless choice and limitless opportunities to choose “right” or choose “wrong.”
I’d like to say that, in those moments when we regret our decisions and must live with them anyway, that I could smile, maybe even chuckle, and accept the cosmic lessons I’m being taught. In truth, there’s a lot more cursing, a lot more blaming, and a lot more pouting… it’s not pretty.
But after the hairs on the back of my neck smooth out and the “disaster” is in the rear view mirror (or the next demand is demanding my attention) I am able to see the value in the experience. On a good day, I can even reflect long enough to know how I’d like to address that sort of calamity in the future. It’s not rocket science and it’s not exponential growth, but progress is progress… at least, that’s what I’m telling myself.
life can be seen as a kaleidoscope of moments that both challenge our reality and affirm it
I guess what I’m trying to say is this: regardless of whether we’re in a unique situation, like a gap year, or we’re in a routine that’s worked for us for years, life can be seen as a kaleidoscope of moments that both challenge our reality and affirm it.
No life is without its struggles. In the same breadth, no life is without its joy. Sometimes it’s just about where we are along our journey towards awareness of both. It seems to me that our contentment has a lot less to do with bending our reality to how we think things “should” to be, and more to do with appreciating and accepting what it is. At least, that’s what I think I’m supposed to be learning right now.
I’ll keep you posted… 🥴
