Being Nice Isn’t The Same As Being Kind

Knowing the difference will make all the difference.

Growing up, the worst insult I thought I could ever receive was, “You’re not a nice person.” 

With the ever present fear of being called “mean,” I set out to exert my “nice-ness” on the world. Obviously this has some serious undertones of abandonment issues, which stem from my adoption and the death of my parents, which I discuss at length in various other posts here and on Medium.

My nice-ness campaign meant that I could never hold my own opinions (or at least never share them). I’d drop everything for anyone who asked me a favor, and I’d apologize even when I was the one who had been offended.

And what was the result of all this nice-ness? Exhaustion and bitterness. All that effort, and all that work to maintain this idea of being “a nice person” meant that there was always one person I was mean to. Myself.

It may have taken me nearly 40 years but I’ve finally started figuring something out. A minor epiphany perhaps, but profound all the same. 

Being nice isn’t the same as being kind.

Don’t hear me wrong. I’m not saying I’ve taken up the task of becoming a rude insensitive jerk, just because I can. I’m not trying to swing so far to the other side of the spectrum that I fulfill some sort of reverse prophecy. What I am interested in though, is not letting the opinions of others sway my thoughts and actions (and in-actions) so often.

The difference between being nice and being kind.

I’ll be honest. Kindness matters; like a lot. But kindness isn’t always the same as being nice. Sometimes kindness can sort of suck. It’s kind to end a relationship respectfully and with clarity, instead of stringing someone along or ghosting them. It’s kind to smile at someone who’s homeless, asking you for money, even if you end up saying, “no, not today.” In situations where we have to break bad news, but we do it with respect and compassion, we’re acting with kindness, even if the person on the receiving end perceives it as mean.

Obviously there’s more explicit ways we are kind to one another, but the point I’m trying to make is that kindness and niceness aren’t the similes I once thought they were.

Being nice is polite, but it doesn’t require honesty. It doesn’t even have to be kind. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve left an interaction where someone was nice to my face and I felt like I’d been dunked in a bag of vomit. Being nice is only a facade when it isn’t backed up with any kindness.

Why it matters.

The liberation I’ve felt after my mild epiphany about kindness versus niceness has made me more honest. Not in the I’m entitled to say and do whatever I want regardless of how it makes you feel type of honesty. That’s not true honesty. But the kind of honesty that is willing to express my failings and my limits, even when it might upset someone.

Going forward, I’m going to say and do things that are perceived as “being mean.” There will be times that I say no, or state an opposing opinion. Heck, there’s even going to be times that I am mean, because hey… I’m human!

 But the fear of being perceived as mean is no longer going to have a vice grip on me. I’m tired of hiding out behind fear-backed nice-ness. Sure, it’s safe to say nothing of consequence. But it also means that I say nothing of consequence. And if that’s what I choose, what’s the point?

We don’t get to decide how people will interpret what we put out into the world. Not on an individual scale or a larger scale like, say on Medium for example. Each of us comes to the table with our own set of perspectives and certainly our own heaps of baggage. 

But if we were to use a bit more kindness, from all sides of the table (or screen as it were), the emphasis could be less about defending our position, or trying to sway someone to validate our beliefs, and more about engaging in a thought provoking experiment with others from different walks in life. 

Check Yourself.

Niceness has its place. Without it, I fear our society would break down into fist fights over long waits at Starbucks, and brawls over toilet paper in the aisles at Costco. 

But what if we started backing up our niceness with more genuine kindness? How might that change… everything? 

Maybe we’d focus less on the opinions of others, and more on the kindness we can share with others. Maybe we’d create connections “across the aisle” that were based in mutual respect, regardless of opposing opinions. Maybe we’d all feel a little less defensive, and a little more open to sharing compassion.

Because at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if you’re happy completely or unhappy totally. You, just like everyone else, deserves to be treated with kindness.

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“In a world where you can be anything, be kind.” ~ unknown

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