Pretzels. Are they a bread or a cracker? Can they be an entire snack or do they struggle to stand alone? Is their rightful place among the M&M’s and peanuts as part of a trail mix (gorp) or should they be covered in yogurt or chocolate? More importantly, are there times when they’re not appropriate? Do they belong in my kids snack boxes or are they more at home in the little dish that comes with a beer? Does a pretzel even have an authentic self, and if not, why? What is it about pretzels that is so befuddling?
I Was Once A Pretzel
I was once a pretzel, befuddled and uncertain of my place. I’d twist and contort my personality, opinions, and activities to fit whoever I was with. It didn’t matter if it was a group of friends, strangers or family members. I would either keep quiet or go along with whatever the dominant voice said. It’s no wonder that when I began to untwist myself, people around me noticed. My authentic self felt different. Unsettling? A bit. Liberating? Completely.
“Not I, nor anyone else, can travel that road for you. You must travel it for yourself.”
— Walt Whitman
I’ll be honest, authentic me wasn’t well received in the beginning. Too much time had passed when I was known as the amicable “nice” girl who did whatever, whenever, for whomever. I didn’t disagree or state strong opinions and I certainly didn’t say no. But it was too late. I had tasted authenticity and, while it was scary and uncomfortable at times, it felt more sustainable. Pleasing others has it’s limits on what it can do for ones happiness or sense of self.
Friendship
In the past, a new friendship felt like a budding love interest. I’d spend hours getting to know how they tick, ogling over all their best characteristics, and making it my job to understand their likes and dislikes, not in a manipulative way, but in an obsessive love-sick way. In reality, it was my way of rushing through my discomfort with surface level relationships and diving into the deep end.
On more than one occasion, I jumped in with two feet, only to realize that I was doing all the paddling. But by that that point, it was “too late.” We knew each other deeply, or so I thought. In truth, I knew them deeply, and they enjoyed my adoration.
Approaching emerging friendships is now a slower process. I’m more up front about my boundaries and expectations, and if that turns them off, so be it. I share my opinions freely, even if they’re in opposition, and I welcome space for the relationship to grow on it’s own terms.
Lights, Camera, Action!
I’ve never been comfortable in front of the camera. Throughout my childhood I watched my mom hide behind lamp posts, trees, cars, anything just to avoid being in a photo. When she couldn’t avoid it, she’d pull other people into the shot so she could, at the very least, be in the back row. But it wasn’t just my mom’s complex that I inherited. Growing up looking like me in communities that looked more like her, I knew I wasn’t normal.
“What makes your different or weird — that’s your strength.”
— Meryl Streep
My son recently asked me if our family was weird and I smiled. “Yeah. We’re weird. Perfectly, deliciously, unabashedly weird.” I’ve come to embrace my weirdness. Yeah, I’m highly sensitive and I like old things more than new. I care about dogs and birds more than is probably normal, and I cry easily when I see the suffering of others, regardless of their species… and my kids? They do too.
My weird wasn’t always something I embraced. For decades, I’d choose to blend in rather than risk being seen for who I was. But that’s not the mindset I want my kids to inherit from me. Embracing my weird was one of the healthiest choices I made. I just wish I could have done it before my 30s.
So I’m going to do a better job showing my weirdness in public arenas. I’m going to wear the loud colorful prints I want and I’m going to be in the middle of photos with my family. I’ll mess up, and embarrass myself from time to time, but I’ll get back up. Failure, embarrassment, mistakes – these are not signs that we’re failed humans. They’re signs that we’re weird. Perfectly, deliciously, unabashedly weird.
Authenticity
There’s a lot of gibber jabber about authenticity in our world, especially in cyber space. Some of it, I agree with. Most of it, I don’t. But the one thread that runs through it all is honesty. To do/create/love/live/make/exist, despite popular opinion is to fully embrace the belief that you are enough as you are.
“A flower does not think of competing to the flower next to it. It just blooms.”
~ Zen Shin
I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea, and yeah, sometimes that bothers me. But if I can go to bed at night and say “I was true to myself,” I’ll sleep sound. Life’s too short to waste it on judgement – self-judgement or external judgement (and that’s a two way street folks). Life isn’t about becoming the best bendy pretzels. Life is about offering up our uniqueness to the world with grace and charity.
Caveat Time
Let me be perfectly clear. When we think of people who make the world a better place, our minds often conjure up heroic figures like Martin Luther King Jr. or Mother Teresa. The reality is, we all have the option to make the world a better place every.single.day. by doing little things — smiling at a neighbor, collecting shopping carts in a parking lot, asking someone how their day is going and then actively listening to them. It’s not the grandiose gestures that will move the needle. It’s the collective efforts of billions of people choosing small acts of kindness over hate, curiosity over judgement, and authenticity over ego.
Back To What I Was Saying About Authenticity
At it’s core, authenticity isn’t about the self. It’s about kindness. When we can fully embrace who we are, flaws and all, we extend that same kindness to others. When we voice our opinions respectfully, we develop more patience and curiosity for opposing thoughts. And when we learn how to communicate our needs and wants with compassion, we foster healthy loving relationships with everyone we meet.
All too often we think authenticity is about doing what we want, when we want, how we want, when in fact, authenticity is about embracing our hopes and dreams, our needs and wants, so that we can inspire others, connect with those around us, and leave this place better than we found it. Stand up tall, shoulders back. You’re enough, just as you are.
