Pinterest Moms Are Overrated

I’d like to believe that I’m a good mom. But lately (like the past year and a half) I’ve missed the mark more often than not.

Maybe falling short of our expectations is simply part of the mom package. Or maybe the situations we’ve been confronted with during this pandemic can be blamed. Regardless of who or what’s at fault, it’s time I change my parenting story.

My vision of motherhood arrived on the heels of my own mother’s death. Having no tangible guidance (or criticism) from the woman who raised me was both liberating and terrifying. I had no barometer to measure my actions by. Only my child’s emotional responses and his growth charts from the pediatrician.

I tried parenting books, which all ended up being better door stops than mentors and I tried doing what my mom did, with mixed results. I tried doing for him what I would have appreciated myself. And then, more often than not, I just “winged it” because there was a child in front of me and “winging it” was my only option.

To be fair, until recently, I hadn’t done half bad. But I’ve also never been great. It’s hard to know if what we do as parents is helpful or damaging. Whether our words of encouragement will be seen as toxic positivity, or our words spoken in frustration will be seen as shaming. Based on my own experience, and the stories I’ve heard from others, it’s probably a little bit of both.

🌱

I once read a study that said parents should shoot for being “good” 80% of the time in order to avoid causing lasting damage to their children.

In my head, this was now my mentor – a magical percentage that could ensure I wouldn’t screw up my kids – permitting I achieved this percentage. Then I could finally and definitively call myself a good parent.

For those of you who’ve been out of school for a while, 80% is a B-. If I’m being honest, I’ve had more C or C- days in the past 18 months than I care to share here. But beating myself up, telling myself my kids deserve better (even if it is true) has yet to motivate me to be “better.” Nope. No inspiration in that. Instead, it’s made me want to crawl into a hole and give up.

There’s just one problem. I can’t seem to find it in me to give up. Call me stubborn, willful, or pig headed (I’m probably all three). But I’d rather show up and be a B or C- mom, than quit my kids.

So what options does that leave me? Finding some way to come to peace with being a B- mom.

🌱

Before my first born arrived, I had all kinds of ideas about motherhood. Some of them good, some of them not so good, all of them imaginary. It’s taken me more than 12 years to begin unpacking those stories about what it means to be a good mom, and be okay with the mom that I am.

I’ll never be a Pinterest mom, or a fitness mom. I won’t be the never-eats-sugar mom or the never-yells-at-the-kids mom. I won’t be the mom who limits screen time as much as I should, and my kids will get away with having way too many plastic battery operated toys.

But you know what? There are some days when I think I just might be okay with all of that. And hopefully, some day in the near future, those days when I’m okay with just being the mom that I am will outweigh the days when I’m beating myself up for being a B- mom.

🌱

I may have given up on the dream of being a picture perfect mom who always does 100% of the things right all the time. But I will always be the mom who shows up, even when it’s really really hard (like it has been the past 14 days). I’ll still screw up and make mistakes, say the wrong thing, and have to pay for their therapy.

But I also don’t believe that it benefits my kids, or me to keep doing this parenting thing pass/fail. When it really comes down to it, parenting books aside, it’s more about showing up and giving it a go than it is about getting it right.

---